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it's 8:00 in the morning, the earliest i've been awake ever since i got back from guatemala. i spent the last night tossing and turning in my bed, going through something a bit too similar to a quarter-life crisis. last night i booked my flight to korea and japan, setting in stone the next four months to come. although i am excited and have been daydreaming about going since last summer, for some inexplicable reason, a feeling of panic soon washed over me, hindering my sleep. maybe it's the pressure of truly making the most out of the precious time i have left before college, and the expectations that my parents have for me while i am there, but hundreds of questions were running through my head: will i be happy there? will i be productive? what if i get bored or homesick right away? what will i eat? where will i stay? can i find a job? yadda yadda.
suddenly i felt as if i were drowning in all these big plans i had previously made, accumulating force and momentum, and knocking me off my feet. there was a strong urge to give up and then, perhaps due to my restlessness and lack of sleep, i began to incorporate all other things in my life as guaranteed failures. in a matter of moments i became convinced that i will be too faint-hearted to make it through college, to become the person that i envisioned myself being, or the person i thought i wanted to be, which then begged the question, who DO i want to be? in short, my chain of thoughts began with daydreaming about korea, and blew up into a full out identity crisis.
the reason why i mention this is because it was this thought process that was what led me back to this blogspot because to me, the best way to sort out that self-colliding mess of thoughts is to force yourself to put it into words.
however, what surprises me the most isn't the fact that i somehow gravitated toward this blogspot that i had long forsaken, but because today happens to be the exact one-year anniversary of its birth (and sadly, the first and only blog i had actually posted..all the other ones are even more embarassing). incredible. who knew that the forces of blogspot could have such an effect upon me?
anyway, pretty soon the light was beginning to peek through the windows and to keep myself from drowning myself in some potentially damaging self-doubt, i decided to grab my camera and snap a few of pictures of my room at the rarest form in which i get to see it: daybreak. 
a distraction, many times the root of our inefficiency, can also be our saving grace.
breathe.
even though these questions are still left unanswered, i've decided to blame (most of) my semi-panic on the coffee that i drank earlier yesterday. coffee and i were never very good friends to begin with.
by elizabeth gilbert. i really enjoyed this book, not only because of her language, or because it was a fairly easy read, but because it helped corroborate my longing to leave and see the world on my own, and that it is truly possible to do so.
although there were many, this one particular excerpt really stood out to me:
"I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough--but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."
finally, my first blogspot. i always thought of blogspot users as the more sophisticated and educated, those who are too mature for the once popular teeny-bopper xanga and too introspective for the social networking of facebook. but then again that could just be my prejudice since really, the only people i actually know who keep a blogspot are my junior english teacher, my georgetown professor, and my articulate college friend (?) i met on a tour in korea.
but this interpretation of blogspot definitely should not be construed as the vision i have for myself. i just think that it was time to move on and blogspot's simple (and cute) layout has always appealed to me.
and so here i am, with sinuses completely congested and my body fully decked out in my hello kitty pajamas. yes, my pink terry cloth hello kitty jammers that i shamelessly wear to bed, and sometimes even in front of my friends. my wet hair is wrapped up in a turban-esque pile on top of my head. i should be expecting nothing short of disaster tomorrow morning when i wake up to go to school to find my hair tangled and utterly unmanageable.
i'm not quite sure what i'm trying to get at but it only seemed appropriate to publish a post on the day that this blogspot has been created. actually, shit it's wednesday 12:30 a.m. which means i'm a day late...
well now that the romance has been sucked out of my first-blogspot-post-ever, i might as well just get to the point. my hopes in writing in this blog are to publish often, whether it be lyrics, excerpts, poetry, photographs, or even some of my own ramblings for my own personal growth. i don't expect anyone to read this, and if they do, i'll probably be embarrassed for myself but either way, i guess this is my way of making sure that i don't lose sight of who i am, and to allow for some measure of self-contemplation.
maybe in a year or so, hey maybe even on this exact day, i'll be able to look back and see how i've (hopefully) progressed, both in my writing and my thoughts.
anyway, it's getting late. i should be sleeping. for the final time, welcome to blogspot, yuri.
